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My Voice of Truth

Reconditioning the abused mind and body

Reconditioning the Abused Mind and Body

Innocence

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May 5th, 2007

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Innocence
While I have not written for quite some time and will not continue blogging for now, I think there is still some value in leaving it up. I hope that my process and my own battles with my conditioning help others understand theirs. It is a testament of my reality and my struggle to create a new reality. I am proud of what is here and hope that those of you who pass by and read it will find inspiration. I am still accepting submissions for the Letters to My Abusers Project and I'm in the process of finishing up my memoir, My Voice of Truth. I am also working on a screenplay entitled The Bridge. Stay Tuned....
Lovingly,
Stephanie

March 5th, 2007

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Innocence
It's been so long since I've posted, but I wanted to make sure that all those who follow my work know that I am still here! I am still writing my book, still collecting submissions for the Letters to My Abusers Project, still healing and growing. I just went the Brandon Bays Journey Intensive, a workshop about healing and connecting to Source. I was deeply moved and am even thinking about developing some kind of healing workshop for survivors of abuse. I am putting some energy into it right now and allowing God/Source to guide me. I believe we need something beautiful and inspiring to go to, to lift our spirits, to break our silence, to learn how to embrace who we truly are and to build communities of support. I am inspired to create something like this not because I am already "there" but because I too need healing, I too need the gentle healing touch of human souls. In time Source will bring about what needs to be and I am eager to be a part of it.
Lovingly,
Stephanie

November 15th, 2006

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I just have to post this. This is me, wow, this is really me.

Loving Our Pain Too Much Wayne Muller

At times, rather than attend to those things we love, we give the bulk of our attention instead to things that bring us harm. As we try to heal what has been hurt, we focus all our care upon things that are painful. Clearly our wounds need our attention. But when we concentrate exclusively upon our hurt, we learn to see the brokenness, losses, or injuries we have been given as the most important things in our lives. We cultivate an attention to these wounds in such a way that, over time, they come to occupy the most important place in our heart. Our wound lives in the center of our thoughts. In this way, we actually come to love our suffering.

Of course, we do not actually love the pain or sorrow that came to us. Our sorrows are real indeed, and they leave us weary and hurt. But when we give so much time and attention to the process of "healing"-when we fall in love with the feeling of being healed-then sooner or later we will need to find newer, more painful things to be healed from.

If we cut our arm, and the body is essentially healthy, then the body will respond vigorously to the wound....Once the healing work is done, the body moves on to other things.

But if, along the way, we become enamored of the process of healing itself, we must always keep our vision attuned to fresh wounds, new disappointments, and current deficiencies, so that the healing can continue....This can keep us very small- imprisoned in our own healing, trapped by what we love.... Instead of creating a life of beauty and meaning, we may simply become better and better at seeing only what is broken.


From How, Then, Shall We Live? Four Simple Questions That Reveal the Beauty and Meaning of Our Lives, by Wayne Muller, Bantam Books, New York, NY, 1996, pp. 103-104.

Lack of Motivation

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Innocence
I'm finally getting around to putting up my articles on my website. It's good to see them there, hopefully they will help others. So many things are happening inside me and yet I cannot find the motivation to do much of anything. I'm working on so many projects and only doing a little bit in each. I am stuck in my mind lately, thinking about: The Letters Project, The Book, My Marriage, My Daughter, My Weight, My Body, My Emotions, Learning how to Manifest in my Life, My Stories and whether I'll ever get to them and on and on it goes. No wonder I can't think straight. Today I forced myself to focus on one thing: putting up the articles and finding other articles to put up. Usually I dabble here and there and never get anything done. Sometimes I am paralyzed by the THINKING of it and never get around to it. I have spent days,months, years even THINKING about things I want or need to do. I do it mainly with my writing. I've been thinking about this pilot I want to write, the premise is fleshed out in my mind, the main character is clear, I think about it daily and I can't bring myself to put pen to paper.
I get upset with my daugther for being flaky, for saying she's going to do something and then not doing it. The truth is, she is merely reflecting back to me what is inside of me. She is an exaggeration of what I resist within myself. This is why I feel so UPSET by her inaction. I am really upset at my own.
Tomorrow will be a better day.

November 4th, 2006

I am pretty much back to normal,well, my brand of normal of course! I really have to get into the habit of posting here. So much comes up throughout the day related to abuse, and just life in general. So much that I can explore here and give those who by chance take the time to visit, the opportunity to read and think about as well.


Today I got into a debate with my husband, who is always playing devil's advocate which drives me crazy but also makes me think. We both very much believe in power of our thoughts and how we attract certain things/people/circumstances based on what we think and feel.

Where we differ is in the idea that if you believe something is hard, it shall be so. Now I do not disagree with that, but I do take exception when we are talking about some really difficult things like recovering from abuse, dealing with death or illness, you know the major stuff. He claims that it still applies and it drives me crazy. He was abused as a child as well in a physical way but never has really dealt with it, so my thinking is that maybe it's easy for him since he has chosen not to deal with it. This approach in my opinion will eventually backfire since he will end up having to deal with it some way or another. So anyway, we are going back and forth and he says to me "it will never be easy for you, because you keep saying it can't be easy, and that you will never accept that recovering from abuse is easy, so it will never be that for you" and I'm like, "it will never be easy because it ISN'T dammit, because no one who has actually been through it, would ever tell me it's easy. It just isn't" and he's like "you don't know that, you can't speak for everyone" and now I'm just getting more and more pissed and thinking he is just playing devil's advocate just to play devil's advocate.

Now, I know that thinking and believing things are hard is one of my biggest issues. Recently I caught myself saying, "it's just hard..." like fifteen or more times over the course of a couple of days. So the truth is, it is a negative tape that I need to replace and it's really hard (see there it is again) to change it. I say it when referring to my writing all the time, even if I'm not writing about abuse. I say it when I'm talking about pretty much anything. And the end result? All of the above is HARD. Is it because I say it is or because it is? And what makes something so??? The belief that it is or because IT IS. I have a hard time believing in something halfway. If I believe that my dominant thoughts and emotions create my experience, then I have to believe that I can make my healing at least easier by transforming how I think and what I feel.
The other part of me just can't accept that if I believe it is easy, that it will be. I guess that part of me, wants to hold on to this legacy of pain and be acknowledged for it. If it's easy then how does that make me special to have overcome it? I see the abuse I suffered as part of who I am and who I have become and if I stop struggling with it, then what? It has become a part of my identity and I'm not quite sure I like that.

I think that in many ways I am addicted to "struggle", to the idea of having "suffered". I've actually caught myself saying that by remembering happy memories, and focusing only on those, I would be dishonoring my suffering. That's a real close bond I have with suffering. One that has to end.
In addition, I grew up with the belief that suffering and struggle make you stronger, worthy, and that you must experience them in order to have happiness and success. So of course the idea that it is easy, or could be easy, clashes with everything I've known.

It wasn't until recently that I've learned from many successful people that you do not have to struggle to be successful. It doesn't have to be hard and that once you decide it is going to be easier, and begin to see it and feel it within you, it will manifest in that easy way, in your life. The doors will open, the people you need will appear, things will begin lining up. I want to believe that and I am much closer than I ever was to believing it, but a part of me is just not ready to say that recovering from abuse is EASY.

I'm sorry for anyone reading this and having to go through my rambling and processing and exploring the different dimensions of all this. Love to all.
Stephanie

October 21st, 2006

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Innocence
I am happy to be alive and well.

October 14th, 2006

Surgery Update

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Innocence
Had my surgery on Monday. Everything went well except for the pain, ouch! I'm on Percocet, so I'm feeling kind of drowsy all the time. I'm slowly moving around, taking my time recuperating. Everyone around me says I'm doing so well. I hated the hospital stay, there is no place like home. The first night, they were in and out of my room every hour, but by the second night, I was virtually ignored. I guess it triggered my vulnerability and feelings of helplessness. It was good to go home and be taken care of by hubby and mother and law. I still feel very vulnerable and have had a few emotional episodes, but I know it's just part of the healing process for me, plus I was taken off my antidepressant and have yet to go back on it. Well gotta go, it's painful to stay in one position for too long. Love to all of you and thanks so much for all the kind words and support.
Stephanie

October 9th, 2006

Surgery

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Innocence
Well, I'm off to surgery, lots of mixed emotions, some fear of never coming back. My family came by late last night, which was nice, my in laws called me this morning. My husband and daughter are coming with me now. God speed to me! :)
Stephanie

October 4th, 2006

My Memoir

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Innocence
Last two days have been good in my writing world. I realize I need outside encouragement so I'm joining some writing message boards. I don't know why I didn't think about it before, duh!  I'm trying to fiddle with my memoir, changing parts from past tense to present tense, so that has been fun, but I still can't tell which I like better. It seems to work in some parts and not in others. Here is a sample, if anyone wants to comment, feel free!

Past tense

From the age of twelve on, my old bedroom was darkened and locked all the time.   I used to sneak a peek when my mother wasn’t home, and in the darkness I’d try to make out the room that was once mine.  I wanted to have it back even for just a moment- even in the dark.  There were boxes everywhere including behind the door so even if you were able to push past the now partly detached rug, you couldn’t open the door all the way.  Eventually she discovered that I was opening the door and she locked it.  I was so drawn to that room that I spent hours picking the lock with a bobby pin.  Once I mastered the right click of my wrist, I was able to open in at will and lock it back up before she came home. 

            Opening that door was a reminder of what used to be, transporting me back to when it was alive, to when I was alive. In my mind I could see the white canopy bed, the deep blue rug, and the four foot walking doll in the corner.  I could see the toy chest with its chalkboard sliding doors and the crowd of magnetic alphabet letters.  I could smell the old wooden dollhouse with its peeling brick paper and feel the distinct cold and dusty air drifting in from the slightly open window.  

I dreamed of my bedroom often. 

In my dreams my room was brightly lit, and everything in it was crystal clear.  I played in the light and when I awoke, I ached, longing to have it back, right then and there.  I prayed that one day I would finally get it back.  I never did.  

Present Tense
At twelve, my old bedroom is darkened and locked all the time.   I sneak a peek when my mother isn’t home, and in the darkness I try to make out the room that was once mine.  I want to have it back even for just a moment- even in the dark.  There are boxes everywhere including behind the door so even if you were able to push past the now partly detached rug, you can’t open the door all the way.  Eventually she discovers that I am opening the door and locks it.  I am so drawn to my old bedroom that I spend hours picking the lock with a bobby pin.  With the right click of my wrist, I am able to open in at will and lock it back up before she comes home. 

            Opening that door is  a reminder of what used to be, transporting me back to when it was alive, to when I was alive. In my mind I can see the white canopy bed, the deep blue rug, and the four foot walking doll in the corner.  I can see the toy chest with its chalkboard sliding doors and the crowd of magnetic alphabet letters in colorful disarray.  I can smell the old wooden dollhouse with its peeling brick paper and feel the distinct cold and dusty air drifting in from the slightly open window.  

I dream of it often and in my dreams it is brightly lit and everything in it is crystal clear.  I play in the light and when I awake, I ache because I can still feel myself in it.  I yearn to have it back.  I pray that one day I will.  I never do. 



October 2nd, 2006

Just had a writing consult with another writer. I sent her a few pages, she said they were powerful. I asked her if my writing was anywhere near publishable, or am I being delusional. She said it was good and  I sighed. I hate that I doubt my abilities so much, each day I fight that voice that says I'm writing crap.  I fear rejection and how I will react to it. I'm afraid of giving up as if it is not in my control!  It is and yet so often how I will feel and react seem so out of my control.  My conditioning is in control.

Even with little things like an email I received once from a young man who is a survivor, saying that I shouldn't be allowed to come and promote my books. I felt so bad, for days. I felt like that little girl who got in trouble. It shouldn't have bothered me so, but it did. I couldn't see that I have received so many letters of support from people who appreciate what I am trying to do. I could only see  that one guy, rejecting me. I've since gotten over it, but it is still there in my mind and I have to admit that every time I open a email from someone in one of my groups or one of my boards, I brace myself for criticism.  I brace myself for hearing something like, "what the hell is wrong with you, you shouldn't be allowed to come on here and promote yourself".  

Sometimes I feel guilty about writing and perhaps one day profiting from my pain, but then I think, wait a minute, why not?  Why not help others and help myself not just in a spiritual, emotional and mental way, but financially as well.  Everyone is entitled to making a living right?  And I have been unemployed working on my memoir for over a year!  I want to feel worthy and deserving of abundance, of success and until I do, I will not attain any of it.  So much internal work to be done, sometimes it's exhausting. 
I just wish I didn't feel guilty so often, I wish I didn't fear rejection so deeply.  I want to be secure and confident, but my conditioning is strong and I have to be patient and understand that it will take time to change these habits of mind.  Soon, I hope.

Stephanie
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